Understood not in Part but in Whole

Today I began to read Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard by David Augsburger for my class Biblical Principles For Handling Conflict that begins tomorrow. Part of the first chapter talked about how people are usually quick to express the more positive aspects of their thinking, but are reluctant to share the more negative side. Though we fear sharing the negative side, all people have a deep desire for someone to listen to both their positive AND negative parts and understand them. I thought through some of the questions at the end of the chapter and came to conclusions about myself that I had never really formulated into words.

"One of the positive feelings I often have, but I do not reveal to you, is..." that I truly feel loved and accepted when I can tell that someone is excited to see me and wants to spend time with me. Even when I was a child I would eagerly wait in expectation when I knew that someone I held dear was soon to come. Many times I would anxiously wait outside for hours, turning my ear to every sound of a car approaching that might hold those I loved. When I could see them come I would break out into a big grin and wait for them to come and unload so that I could be with them. Because of this I feel loved and accepted when people act in such manner to me.

"One of the negative feelings I often have, but I do not reveal to you, is..." that it hurts me when people don't seem to care that I am even there. My freshman year of high school was a year of lonliness and hiding. My family had moved to Idaho from California during the summer and I hated it from the first I heard the news. I had gone to a private Christian school for all of my life previously and this was my first experience of a public high school. I know that it may seem weak, but I am not ashamed to admit that I was severely frightened to go to such a school. I knew about 5 people in the entire school who were from my church (none of them were in my grade). I had played flag football in junior high and so my parents encouraged me to play at my school in Idaho. They played tackle football (which I had never played before) which was extremely hard on a little freshman twig like me. I made a couple of acquaintances on the team but broke my leg about 2 games into the season. It took only about 3 more weeks for me to totally disassociate myself from everyone on the team. My days were such: I woke up and went to school, ate lunch by myself in the hallway with a book in my hand, finshed up school and went back home. This lasted the entire rest of the year broken up intermittedly by some people who would sometimes talk to me. I believe that that whole experience scarred my heart so deep that I have repressed many of my memories of that year and covered over all of the hurt. It took me the entire next year at a Christian school to actually open up and make real friends. I think that even today I am affected by all that happened for I see myself as not being able to relate very easily with others socially.

It was not until today that I more fully realized this about myself and have actually took the time to think about how all of the experiences of my life have truly shaped me into the person that I am today. Every person is a unique individual who is yet connected to all other unique individuals by the common bonds that all of humanity shares. We grow as we learn to listen to other people to understand what they really mean by their words. Only a good listener has the ability to speak rightly into another person's life.