Running out of gas

This past week on Tuesday I ran out of gas. I simply felt emotionally, spiritually, and physically empty and hollow. It was a very sudden drop for I had spent the previous hours in the Word of God and prayer but about half an hour before dinner on Tuesday I felt like I had nothing left in me. Tuesday night I was reading in Psalm 25 and verses 16-17 described exactly what I was feeling.

Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have englarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!

I think what brought this emptiness to my heart was a combination of missing home, family, and friends, completely surrendering all my hopes and desires to Him and then struggling with letting God reshape my life into what He desires it to be. My soul was in bitter anguish and I felt as if there was no escape. All of life's worries and troubles seemed to just pour out on me all at once and I was overwhelmed in this tidal wave. I had been trying so hard to give up my life to Christ so that I could be more like Him and live in such a way as to bring glory to Him. I came to the realization that night that I just could not do it. I can't live the Christian life and I can't even handle life in general. In the depths of my despair I was crying out to God to comfort me and show me that He loved me. I read His Word but it did not touch my heart. I prayed to Him but seemed to receive no answer. Where was God?

The next day was Day of Prayer and Chris Darland spoke in chapel to start off the day. He spoke about the rest that we find in God and how it is different from what we usually see as rest. Jesus told us to take His yoke upon us because He will carry the load and we just need to follow along. He also shared how God is a God of comfort and comforts us in our needs so that we can comfort others. How amazing that we should be talking about this in chapel the day after I was in desperate need of such rest in Him and comfort from His hand. I spent the rest of the morning talking to one of the staff here, praying while walking around the park, reading my Bible, and talking to my Dad for almost an hour. Talking to my Dad really encouraged me because a lot of the verses that he shared with me I had recently read and so they were made that much more real to what was going on in my life. One thing that really stuck out to me about what my dad shared was from a verse in Psalm 30:5b, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." All my sorrows are really only temporary for my true joy is in the LORD and he will not leave me in biting despair. In these times of trouble and inner turmoil God seems to do most of his molding and shaping us into better tools for His use.

I am doing much better now, but it is indeed humbling to realize that I am completely empty without God. I now strive to live in such a way that every moment I am in an attitude recognizing that any good thing in me is not of me but of God's work in me. I am a twisted shell of a man, but in Christ I am a new creation. He has made the old new. Oh that I may humble myself so that God would be seen through me and praised!

For those of you who read this I ask that you will pray for me:
That I will humble myself before my Lord
That I will praise God when I find myself in a pit of life.
That I will rejoice in the LORD always.
That I will come to see life from God's perspective instead of mine.

Casting Crowns sings:

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm