In Regard of You

"But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

-James 4:6

A couple days ago I was able to hear from a teacher here (George Walker) at the Missionary Training Center in Missouri share his heart to us and talk to us about different things on the field when he was a missionary in the tribe. He spoke to us concerning topics such as fear, depression, conflict, and some other problems that people go through (focused on his own experiences in the tribe). He simply talked with us at the heart level and was totally honest and real about his life in the tribe. What touched me the most was him telling us the depths of his failure in relationships with other people and the ways in which God used those failures to humble him and grow him to maturity.

In the same way, I have been thinking a lot lately about my own failures in developing relationships with other people. My biggest problem is simply not taking the time to invest in people's lives and only keeping most relationships in fairly shallow water. Sometimes I blame this on the fact that I am too busy with EVERYTHING that I have to do: homework, dorm detail, quiet time, sister, work program, classes, dorm life, more homework, work program leader, youth group, campus life, and whatever else I end up doing throughout the day that needs to be done. Obviously many of these things have importance and need to be taken care of, but I see in my life a growing busyness that is beginning to drown me. I feel as if there is ALWAYS something that I could be doing at any given moment and this feeling has been hindering the amount of time I choose to free up for other people. I fully understand the importance of my studies, but I struggle to place my own interests aside in favor of others. Incessantly my mind is brought back to Philippians 2.4 "Do not merely look out for your own personal interests but also for the interests of others." My life is not about me, but about loving God and loving others; I must choose wisely in order to be able to give of myself to other people.

If it is not busyness that keeps me from building relationships with others, it is failure in some other area of my life. I sometimes find it difficult to start conversations of depth even with people that I trust and with whom I usually feel fairly comfortable. I find myself subconsciously avoiding people because it is hard for me to talk to them. Other times I honestly just don't want to really get to know a person because I don't see anything in them that they can offer me. These all reveal to me the depth of my insecurity and selfishness.

Though I may seem to be focusing overly on the many failures of my life in building relationships with other people, I may also rejoice in the many good friendships that I have built both here and at home. There are indeed those in whom I have complete confidence, can confide anything, and am growing with despite any revealed ineptitude in either them or me. In light of all this I can confidently say that though all men fail me I may rest peacefully and stand securely in Him whom the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form and who now sits at the right hand of God and who became sin for me so that I would not have to pay the penalty for my sin. He truly is the Lover of my soul and in Him I find strength and in Him I regard others as more important than myself.