Life is good

"I know in whom I believe... and all is well."
-George MacDonald

I do not like it, most of the time, when people ask me how I am doing because I feel that they are not asking how I am really doing and what I'm going through, but that they are rather saying the phrase because it is a cultural norm and they are just expecting "good" or some such pat answer. I no longer care if people ask me this because I now look at such questions as reminders to me of the goodness of God. "I know in whom I believe... and all is well." This is the last sentence in a book by George MacDonald that I recently finished. This is what I think of when people ask me how I am doing. Though my day may not, in all actuality, be going quite like I would have liked it I can still cling to my Savior and declare that "all is well." All is well because I am at peace with God and loved by the author of love.

When I trap myself in looking at my life from my own perspective I only become discouraged by what I see. God wants me to see things from His perspective and so realize that my life is not my own. This literally means that absolutely nothing in life is for my ultimate end. It is so easy to get caught up in my own struggles to understand God and His work in my life that I miss out on the essential part of my life in simply giving my life away - to treat every second of life as something that is only given to me so that I can, in turn, give it away. This is incredibly contrary to everything that I want to believe, but it is absolutely necessary if I wish to truly glorify God. If Jesus gave of Himself for me, I have no right to refuse giving of myself. And yet there is a strong force in me that persuades me that I deserve to keep some for myself. This is utter nonsense! I have been asked by the One who owns me to give up everything that I have in order that He may add unto my lack a glorious abundance that exceeds anything possibly imagined. This is my command and I must obey my Lord.

Life is mine, but not. Getting caught up in my feelings or thoughts will have a negative result on what degree I can give up my life. Surrendering life requires a God focus instead of a self focus. When I realize that life is not about me, then life is good; for I know in whom I believe and all is well.

Back in the Thick of Things

It has been almost two weeks now that I've been back at NTBI and it already feels like I've been here for an entire semester! I mean this in a good way because that is how much I feel like I have learned in the short time I have been back. The beginning of this semester has been much different than last semester because this time around I felt like I was coming home instead of coming to a foreign place. The first few days that Bethany and I were here I probably introduced her to almost everyone who was there at the school. It was interesting to see how she reacted to everything because it gave me an idea of what I was doing last semester. I honestly don't really remember all the stuff that went on that first week because of all the new things that I was experiencing.

The most important thing that I have learned here in the short time that I have been back is this: to take the Word of God for what is says it is. This seems to be such a simple thing, but it has profoundly changed my life. I started doing some of my homework two days before we officially started classes because I am striving towards discipline this semester and thus found myself reading the book of Deuteronomy. Now, I read Deuteronomy last semester in my Pentateuch class but apparently I learned nothing at all from that because this second time around I fairly drooled over this beautiful book of the Bible.

I never imagined that I would come to love the book of Deuteronomy but I am infinitely grateful that I have done so. Through the pages of this Book I have seen a powerful and loving God. A God who speaks out of darkness in the midst of the fire on a mountain to His people who He has brought out of oppression with a strong and powerful arm. This God so terrified His people with His very voice that they pleaded with Moses to talk with God for them because they were afraid they would die if they heard His voice again. They were surprised that they were alive after hearing God's voice! This is a God who gave to His people such a law that people would wonder at its justice and righteousness. This is a God who promised His people that He would either bless them to the utmost or bring them to desolation in curses. Through this Book I have discovered a mightier God than I have previously known. Reading Deuteronomy with an attitude of discovering God has shattered the box that I have been subconsciously holding Him in this whole time. I could not reconcile my own thoughts of who God is with what He Himself was telling me through His Word. Oh how I wish that all such inferior thoughts of the Almighty God might so shatter into dust and blow away in the winds of foolish thinking!

I cannot begin to tell of the multitude of things that I have learned of God, but I will make an effort to communicate my new knowledge of Him sequentially and soon. I wish to end this blog by thanking those who have supported me throughout my life. Without friends and family to support me I would long ago have fallen in the dust of discouragement. Yet I steadfastly cling to Him for He clings to me. I fall to my knees in gratefulness for His work in the lives of those whom He has used to work in my own life. Rejoice with me in the Master's work and let us obediently follow Him in love for He has first loved us.

Humbled

"Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil."
Proverbs 3:7

About a month ago I went through one of the most character building, attitude changing, and spirit shaping times of my entire life. I was satisfied in God alone. Alone. Only Him. I was content in who He is rather than in my circumstances.

Here's the story. It was the field day between our campus and our sister campus in Waukesha, Wisconsin. It was to be a day full of soccer, ultimate frisbee, softball, and football. I signed up for the ultimate frisbee and football teams and made both of them. Our ultimate frisbee team lost, but I wasn't that upset because I was looking forward to playing some football. This coming game would be the first official football game I played for almost an entire year since last year's season. I went over to the field about twenty minutes before we were to start so that I could warm up and stretch before everybody else was there. I was pumped and totally ready to play some football. To make a long story short: I went in a total of four plays the entire game and spent the rest of the time on the sidelines. Throughout the game my heart went through a tornado of emotions. I was disappointed because I wasn't being able to play. I had given up going to help out at youth group in order to make the last practice because the coach said it was important. I had put out a lot of effort at the practices and had been fully expecting to play. I was angry because I was being treated like some "benchwarmer." I had spent less time on the sideline during my last year of football than I did playing in this game. I was sad because nobody cared that I wasn't playing. It didn't even seem like my teammates noticed that I didn't get to go in. We ended up losing; what hurt was not losing, rather it was not being able to play. A thousand questions were swirling around inside my mind. Why was the coach not putting me in? Doesn't he know how good I am? Don't I deserve to be in there? Aren't I as good, if not better, as (at least) some of the other players? One moment I felt like punching the fence hoping that physical action would relieve my anger. The next I felt like crying. The game was over and there was nothing I could do about my situation.

After the game we took a group picture on the bleachers. I went over to the stands portraying almost no emotion on my face as I went and just chose a spot and sat down. As everyone was settling in, a good friend told me that I had done a good job in the game. I just turned around to face her with a blank look on my face and looked at her for a few seconds then went back to staring ahead into space without saying a word. As I sat there I heard her say something to the effect that I was apparently angry. I didn't know what to think about this whole ordeal. I was filled with anger and grief but I also knew that I shouldn't really be having this bad attitude. My reaction was to simply shut off any kind of display of emotion and try to figure out what was going on inside my head. The drive back to school was about fifteen minutes long and I struggled with everything that I was thinking and feeling after this game.

I began to have a change of heart as I examined all that had happened with this football game. I definitely had a reason to be angry from a worldly perspective. However, I also knew that I shouldn't be angry about this game. I had been able to be on the team; some people didn't even make the team. I was able to play a couple of plays when other people did not get to play at all. My pettiness was beginning to be revealed as I looked deeper into my heart. What was I angry about? Not being able to play a football GAME? Here I was worried, angry, and on the verge of tears over a silly game (in the grand scheme of things). People all over the world are starving and dying and here I sit complaining about not being able to play as much as I wanted to. My selfishness was yet to be revealed in full. I looked out the window of the car and viewed a magnificent sunset. It was a beautiful mix of orange, yellow and red. This fairly ordinary sunset made me remember how utterly enormous God is. Here was a simple act of nature that is but a whisper of the glory and majesty of God and yet is like a mighty shout against my pride.

My entire problem was that I was completely focused on myself and not thinking at all about God or others. I was wallowing in pity and burning with indignation because I hadn't gotten what I wanted. I had put my hopes into this game and was tragically let down. I was then faced with a choice: would I continue to be discontent in my circumstance or would I find contentment solely in who God is and not even worry about my circumstances. I chose to be content in God. This was one of the most difficult choices of my life to make, but it was amazing how I suddenly seemed to feel a cascade of peace and joy roll over me. None of my previous problems mattered anymore because I was able to find total contentment in God. I recognized that this game had hurt me emotionally, but I could also praise God for using the game to draw me into a deeper understanding of His character and my standing before Him. Never before have I felt such a close fellowship with God. For the first time ever in my life I chose to obey God when there was no apparent profit whatsoever in choosing obedience.

This experience has encouraged me through other trials I have faced since then. I am able to look back on this and remember that I can be content in God aside from any circumstance. I know that God is molding me according to his plans for my life. My only prayer is that I humble myself in surrender to His will so that I will be molded through obedience rather than broken in disobedience.